Throughout my first year of infertility I kept painfully quiet about my struggles with only my husband to lean on for support. In my day to day life I am generally an open book, happy to divulge the truths about myself because the truth, to me, is not only liberating but interesting. But infertility is powerful and it took me over. Now I try to openly discuss my struggles and my story in order to allow space for others to feel comfortable to seek support in case they too come across infertility. I don’t want anyone feeling as alone as I felt. And in my time of sharing my story I’ve learned that it actually does help; I’ve had friends and colleagues and family actively seek me out when they have been struggling to get pregnant just to have someone to talk to.

Let’s keep sharing who we are, struggles and all, so we can be friends to those in need.

One of the questions I get asked the most is “How to keep mentally well” or some derivation of that question. Being mentally well or achieving wellness during infertility is a constant battle and reaching pure and true wellness is potentially not even achievable but as with every struggle there are steps and actions we can take to help us through any situation. Infertility is incredibly personal and individual and what works for one may not work for all, it may take several attempts and different strategies to land on something that works for you. The point is that you are trying, don’t give up on that effort to be mentally well.

With that below are my personal 5 tips for infertility wellness.

1. Feel the feels

You’ll hear this phrase “Feel all the Feels”, but until you’re faced with something that needs to be felt, you may not be able to appreciate how critical this actually is.

The feelings, whatever they are, are yours and are valid. They may come all at once as a flood or they may be parsed out over time or, some combination of the two. Feel them. Feel sad, feel angry, feel disappointed.

You may feel a sense of sadness with each coming cycle with no pregnancy to show for it. Feel sad. Let yourself feel sad.

You may feel deep envy that everyone else on the planet is pregnant including your uncle Ernie who is 80 years old and you are not. Let yourself feel envy.

If you bottle these feelings up, they are surely to explode out of you at some unknown point. If you give yourself a moment to recognize you’ve been served a raw deal and it’s hard, it will help you move forward and at the very least not implode on yourself.

Do know that you won’t feel this way forever. You may always feel sad in some fashion, yes, but your sadness is fluid and will change with time. Your feelings now are not permanent. Your situation now, is not permanent. Remember that.

And while I do find it helpful to feel those deep feelings when they arise, please also try not to always be consumed in your feelings. I’ve recently been trying to set aside a time of day to think about it. Dwell to my hearts content within the time frame I allow. It doesn’t mean I won’t be triggered outside of the time I set for myself, but I find it helpful to know that I have a dedicated moment to be fully consumed and outside of that I dedicate my time to being present with my current children, husband, project etc.

2. Let your support in

As sad or shameful as you may feel it is imperative you seek support in order to maintain mental wellness throughout your less than ideal fertility journey. A family member or a friend are potential places to start. If you don’t have the benefit of feeling safe with family and friends, there are others you can seek out for help. Professional help and support groups are available, some free of charge who can be there to lend an ear and shoulder.

Somewhere in the middle of my years trying for my first baby, I did attend a support group. It was with a group of ladies, all strangers, all going through various phases of infertility who were equally reaching out. To this day, I maintain a bond with the ladies even though the group session itself only lasted a few weeks. People bond in struggle and can heal in likeness.

Another option is someone who has gone through infertility themselves. Even if this person is a distant cousin, a colleague you barely know, a friend of a friend of a friend. They can help. As I mentioned at the top of this article, I have had several people reach out to me about their struggles and none of whom I was close with prior to them reaching out.

Recently, I sadly had a miscarriage. In the fertility clinic, waiting for my doctor to confirm to me what I already knew, I was a wreck. I couldn’t help but publicly cry in the waiting room. The other patients at the fertility clinic, all going through fertility treatments of their own, came to me. They offered me tissues, water, knowing love and sympathy. “We’re all in this together” one of them said to me. And she’s right. We’re not alone. There are people who can and want to help.

Take the step to seek support. If there is no one else, I am here for you. Message me. That’s why I’m doing this blog in the first place.

3. Meditate

Don’t hate me for having this on the list. I know when I see a wellness list and it says Meditate I can sometimes be irritated. But it’s on the majority of wellness lists for a reason; it works! The reality is meditation is equal parts very hard and very easy. It requires no equipment, very little time out of your day and there’s almost no way of doing it wrong. But, it does require discipline – which is hard.

If you’re reading this however, you’re likely struggling and looking for ways to stay calm; meditation is a must my friend.

Here’s what you’re going to do. Start with 4 minutes a day for a full week. Everyday. It must be everyday because it is the discipline of doing it everyday that will propel you. Week 2 up the time by 2 minutes until you reach 10 minutes comfortably. By comfortably I mean you can sit still for 10 minutes with your eyes closed and are feeling calm.

Think you’re doing it wrong? Like I said, almost impossible. If you’re staying silent, in a quiet place, sitting comfortably that is half the battle. The other half are the thoughts. The thoughts are going to come. This is ok. Let them come. You will try to move through them. By this I mean do not dwell. It’s the act of catching yourself dwelling on a thought and releasing it (moving on from it) that is the benefit of meditation. Catch yourself every 30 seconds deep in a thought? That’s ok! It will get easier and by week 3 those thoughts will come and will go and you will start to learn how to move passed them. This is proven to equally translate into your waking life. The catch and release you are practicing during your meditations, will help you control your thoughts throughout your days. You will be able to catch yourself in a downward spin and release the thoughts.

To start I would recommend using guided meditation. There are endless guided meditations you can seek out through free or paid apps. I am currently using “Insight Timer” however I have used Calm, Headspace and Buddhify. They are all quality and will all help you kick start your meditation.

4. Eat well, sleep well, be well

Eat well. This is something I did not do when first going through fertility. There was a span of 3 or 4 months where I really hunkered down and ate healthy alongside my husband as per my Naturopath’s recommendation, but outside of that I didn’t give much thought to it. Now, headed into trying to get pregnant naturally once again in as late in my 30’s as one can be, my intake will be much different.

Here are the high level rules; do not eat sugars, processed foods, refined sugars or other foods known to cause you inflammation. If you don’t know what foods these are you can seek out a local Naturopath who thrive on identifying kinks in peoples diets, and they’re good at it!

The function of your brain and the impact it has on your mood is a direct result of what you eat. I won’t go through the science of it here because I left my science degree* in my parents basement but make no mistake, this is science backed and 100% fact. Eating well or eating poorly will absolutely result in mood shifts and have an effect on your mental wellness.

*Arts Degree.

It’s important though, that while you’re doing your best to try to maintain a healthy food intake, you keep a level head about it. For instance, I am lactose intolerant, however instead of eliminating dairy completely I just try to eat dairy lightly. Why not eliminate it completely? For me specifically, if I’m completely removing foods from my diet I feel mentally restricted and that’s the opposite of how I want to feel. I want to feel energized and happy and sometimes dairy is just that lady for me.

Sleep well. Also something I did not do when I was younger. Sleep is gold in wellness circles. Study after study states the vital importance sleep plays on the wellness of a person overall and should not be ignored. The high level rules on this one are:

• Try to close those blessed eyes at the same time every night and wake up around the same time every morning.
• Try, really try, to curb the late night scrolling and opt for a book to fall asleep to.
• Try to get 7 – 9 hours per night (no fight here, am I right?).

Again this is where dirty discipline comes into play. Be disciplined.

When you stay up extra late every once in a while if you’re going on a date with your partner or watching the Leafs loose the playoffs again, that’s ok. Or if you’re having a major cheat day and eating Cheetos, SourPatch Kids and Smarties at the same time then so be it and enjoy! But just be sure that this is the exception not the rule.

Take care of yourself!

5. be kind to yourself

Surround yourself with positive messages. This can be very challenging on any given day, nevermind throughout infertility. As someone who relies on self-deprecating humour it is especially hard. It is critical however that you are kind to yourself and only speaking to yourself in a positive light.

It may sound hokey but this is something you will begin to believe once you put it into action. Everyday try to say something nice to yourself. More than that. If you catch yourself saying something negative to yourself, up the number of positives to 3 in order to counter that negativity. Also, stop yourself from being negatively reactive when someone pays you a compliment. Just take that compliment! And, do dwell on the parts about yourself you love now. Not with a baby, but now.

And if you really think there’s nothing to be positive about in your present form, know that you are at the very least a strong woman. A woman who has endured and will endure going forward. Begin there if you can think of nothing else. “I am strong”. “I am willful”.

Here’s a list of the things I have said to myself over the last (very difficult) week:

• I am strong
• I am fertile
• I have nice skin
• I am funny
• I have a nice ass
• And in reply to a compliment my husband paid me which I had a hard time believing I just said… Thank you.

I like to take this positive self talk to another level and so the tip inside this tip is to find something or someone that makes you laugh and GO LAUGH. Seek them or it out. Lean on the people you find extra hilarious, or rewatch that show that made you laugh or that book you loved. Even if what makes you laugh is looking at pictures of ugly animals or people get kicked by goats. No one needs to know what is making you laugh so long as you do it.

I literally just took this picture of myself while writing this to see if I could make myself laugh. I’m in a coffee shop and not alone… so if I can do it. You can too.

And that’s that – my tips for mental wellness during infertility. Be positive to yourself. Eat well, sleep well. Meditate everyday – be disciplined. Seek support and allow yourself to feel the feels. This journey is SO hard. Acknowledge that and take care of yourself.