Infertility is more than a physical “problem”. It is a parasite that eats away at your dreams, your inhibitions, your mental health, your soul. Infertility demands so much from us “infertile”. Least of all the necessity to be positive and resilient and most of all the daily battle against impending thoughts, needles, bloating, physical stress, mental stress, financial stress. The works. Infertility is just plain awful.
My story, not necessarily unique in any way, is painful to this day. Even after having successfully birthed 2 beautiful children I am unmistakably marked. And when I talk to women going through fertility treatments, or women who have gone through them in the past, I can see without a doubt that they too bare scars. This world, with all its glories, has equal pains; I am a true believer that nothing but adversity can build person, community and ultimately humanity. And while the adversity is welcome in retrospect, during those arduous months of trying to conceive, the adversity was just painful.
For me one of the most striking characteristics of infertility is the loneliness I felt. I share this infertility story with you in the hopes that someone reading it finds solace and a friend.
To start, if you like, please see the link to a blog I wrote in my first months of trying to conceive.
My OG Fertility blog:
This blog was a way for me to digest my thoughts and really showcases who I was at the time and the beginnings of my story. The blog does suddenly end at the time when I underwent my first IVF retrieval, full of hope, and came out the otherside with no viable embryos. I suppose the weight of it was too much to surmount at the time and I didn’t continue my blogging.
The nutshell VERSION:
Began trying to conceive at 30 with my husband, also 30. I thought I would get pregnant immediately just as my sister had with her 2 children. This played a large role in my disappointment and eventual mental unravelling; people (seemingly) getting pregnant with no trouble at all. We tried for 6 months before getting referred to a Fertility Clinic in Toronto (shout out to Create Fertility – what what). Clinic did full panel of tests only to find nothing wrong at all; we had “unexplained infertility”. At the one year mark we began treatments first with triggered ovulation, then to IUI. After 2 failed IUI cycles we decided to pay for IVF. First retrieval yielded 17 eggs (will try to find my drug protocol to share). Of the 17 eggs, 11 were mature. Of the 11 mature eggs, 7 fertilized. Of those, 2 made it to day 5 (blastocyst). Of the 2 blastocyst neither were viable for implantation. Horror struck, this was my rockiest of rock bottoms. To finally be at the stage where IVF is the selected course of treatment and to have no embryos to transfer back into my uterus… I was not prepared for this outcome at all. We took a break from trying to conceive (almost at the 2 year mark). Robin bought me a puppy we named Granger who saved my life and brought me pure happiness. Our failed IVF retrieval combined with the fact that I was only 31 at the time (31 is “young” in fertility speak) bumped us from very low on the government subsidized IVF list to very high on the government subsidized IVF list. 4 months after our first failed retrieval we were back at it with our second retrieval yielding 21 eggs. Of the 21 eggs, 15 were mature and of those 11 were fertilized. From here 3 made it to blastocyst and 2 of those were viable. YAY! We implanted the first embryo who is now our beautiful son, Beau. Blessed, blessed! We have the second blastocyst tucked away in the freezer next to the vodka. We plan to use this embryo in the near future. When Beau was 1.5 years old we ended up naturally pregnant by surprise. A true dream come true and the ultimate “can’t believe this” moment. We unfortunately had a miscarriage only 1 week after finding out we were pregnant at 8 weeks into the pregnancy. From here we decided to try again naturally because it had happened once, it could happen again. Without success we decided to visit Create Fertility once more and try IUI to which we became successfully pregnant in our second IUI attempt and now have our beautiful girl Ricki. Our story is not yet complete, with 1 embryo still waiting for us.
Everyday I feel blessed to be able to hold my babes in my arms and tell them I love them. Through this journey I was gifted a perspective on parenting that has helped me through the late hours, the tantrums and the sheer chaotic times. I am also sadly aware that many in my position do not go on to conceive or have a live birth and to these women there are no words; I wont forget how lucky I am and how close I came to not being so.
My TTC Journey (half way through) – from 2019:
I’ve posted a video below of me detailing my fertility journey back in 2019. This was before I was even pregnant with Ricki, my second babe, but it does capture that time before pregnancy when it was all treatments; no baby.
With this story I hope you are less lonely dear friend and I hope in some way it can provide hope.
If you want a friend to chat with, please feel free to connect with me. You are not alone.
